Saturday, April 6, 2013

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Well I hope this old adage is true ... I've enjoyed a lovely family vacation in Orlando, but after so much Mouse & Mommy time, I must confess to a yearning for some mischief!   I hope that you've missed me a lil bit, as I have certainly missed romping in the shadows with all of you! :-)  

Let's Get Wet - 040613 - Miz B

Side B & I are enjoying sifting through your questions and preparing some intriguing posts in reply ... hopefully you are all aware by now that we'll be turning some of these questions back on you in the near future!  In the meantime, I had an interesting discussion with a friend recently that I'd like to hear your thoughts on as well.   At the risk of being too obviously on one side of the debate, I'll simply title this discussion "Monogamy :  Moronic Myth or Meaningful Moral?"  I'd give you my humble opinion, but I suspect you are all wise to the fact that I have no HUMBLE opinions!   So here's my in-your-face-of-course-I'm-right-try-to-keep-up opinion! (It's a metaphor, so bear with me here!)

Let's say that you happen to LOVE spaghetti ... I mean it is your absolute favorite dish in the entire universe.   You enjoy having it often, in numerous variations, as a regular part of life, and on special occasions.   Still, I'd be willing to bet that NONE of you would want to eat only spaghetti, every single meal, every single day, for the rest of your life.   I'd also venture a guess that were you forced to do so, you'd eventually merely tolerate spaghetti, and sooner or later outright despise it!   Take any other matter of taste - from the color of your favorite shirt to your preferred leisure activity - and most people would agree that variety is crucial to life and can actually enhance your enjoyment of your favorites as part of a balanced lifestyle.   So why on earth do people suddenly assume that sex is the lone exception?  That somehow if you love someone, you want nothing but them for all eternity?

Now before you tell me that love is magically different than spaghetti (for the record I do believe it is), let me remind you that we all acknowledge that you can have different friends whom you truly love in very different ways.  Let me also mention that most people would agree that having multiple children doesn't divide your love, it multiplies it ... even if you love each one for different reasons and in different ways.   So love itself is not inherently exclusive or selfish.  What is is about romantic love that so many people hold to be the exception to this premise?   Love of spaghetti in no way diminishes the enjoyment of creme brûlée ... love of the beach in no way negates a delight in the mountains ... so WHY should a love of one person be judged true only if it excludes all others?   

What say you, my friends?


  1. I think you brought up great points. Practicing monogamy is harder for some than it is others. I think people's value on morality is close-minded. They choose to accept/believe the views of others instead of making logical (maybe unconventional) decisions of their own.

    Logical Theorist

  2. Timely post Miz B, I’ve been pondering this for some time now. I suppose it’s time to try to gather my thoughts. I’ll run with your metaphor!

    I’ve had spaghetti. I love spaghetti, and I loved the person making the spaghetti with me. It wasn’t the best spaghetti, but it wasn’t the worst spaghetti. But, the spaghetti recipe stayed the same, regardless of my urging, no effort was made to improve it. It was the same, every time. There were no side dishes served with the meal, it was always just spaghetti, served on the same plate, exactly the same, every time. As my partner became less and less interested in making spaghetti, I initially tried to coax more, but was met with rejection, or really bad spaghetti. The spaghetti stopped being served and I thought, “good. I really don’t like spaghetti anyway.” I’d forgotten that it could be enjoyable. I was done with spaghetti. Did that mean I didn’t love the person who used to make spaghetti with me? No, but the relationship changed. Without the intimacy of eating spaghetti together (even bad spaghetti), we became roommates.

    I’m enjoying the efforts of a master chef these days. His love of creating means that he brings more than one dish to the meal. He’s not just a mouth watering prime rib. He’s dessert, he’s comfort food, he’s a great quick snack. Hell, he’s Chinese food; I need him within 30 minutes of my last meal. I believe, if we give it some effort, we can be more than one dish to our partners. With the right partner we can have spaghetti, creme brûlée, prime rib and every other dish our mouths and bodies crave. Is there love here as well? To be honest, love was first, and I believe it brings something to the meal.

    I am a sexually monogamous creature. It’s not a moral issue, I believe we’re all wired differently. I mate. I don’t share my cookies. I understand others can and do. I can read Miz B’s metaphor and totally comprehend her perspective. I can't pretend to be different than I am, and to do so would be dishonest to myself and my partner. Trying to be something I'm not always leads to unhappiness.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for other people. Part of me will always have feelings for people who have been in my life. They all brought me to where I am now. I learned from them, and have pleasant memories with them that should never be forgotten simply because I have a new love. I also realize that my new love has a past as well, full of people he loves. His ability to maintain those connections is a part of him that I admire deeply. I know that our love for each other isn’t diminished by our love of others. Love is magical and we can love many different people at the same time in different ways. And yet, for me, romantic love that includes a sexual connection is a dragon built for two.

    1. First, congrats on your 8 course gourmet relationship ... everyone deserves that whether it comes from one partner or many! :-) As I've mentioned before, I believe that none of us are absolutes - we fall on a spectrum and often slide along it at different points in life. You are absolutely right that we are each wired differently ... and to me the point of sexual freedom is not that we HAVE to indulge all our freedoms or be judged for our choices ... it's that we can be monogamous, polyamorous, celibate, or any of a million variations as we choose, and be free to change that as we feel appropriate. The heart wants what the heart wants! My adventures in monogamy were never morality-based either ... I'm not possessive by nature but I am absolutely gluttonous so I've certainly been greedy and focused with single-minded purpose sexually! :-D In the end, I don't think it matters so much what you do or with whom ... what matters is why you do it and your honesty in doing it ... if it works for you, and for those you love, then more power to you!

    2. And on this, we agree completely! :D However we feed our gluttonous nature is our choice. Bravo for women with an appetite. I have been accused of having the sexual appetite of a teen boy. Managing that with my monogamous nature requires a partner who's willing to work a bit. ;)

      You're one hell of an interesting lady Miz B. It's our mutual honesty about who we are that makes these discussions so compelling. Thanks~

  3. Some are spaghetti people and some need variety :-). I don't believe that sex equals love all the time, you can love someone and still have sex with someone else. It is only a problem if one partner is happy with the spaghetti forever and the other is not. Honesty and communication is the most important thing. Sleeping with someone else is not cheating, but lying about it is. A lot of people get that confused. On the other hand, if you know from the beginning that your partner is monogamous and you are not and you don't tell them, it is not fair as well.


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