Watch & Learn, Grasshopper!

We are excited to bring you a special guest blog from loyal reader & shadow exposing aficionado, Boo Coolidge!   We've chosen to pair his thoughts with an image that portrays a most definitely learned skill!  Enjoy and please take the time to chime in on his awesome question! 

Who Taught You How To Fuck?

Makes you think doesn't it? I mean, we're all taught things. How to ride a bike, how to play sports, how to tie your shoes. Pretty much anything that pertains to your life. So why shouldn't you be taught one of the most basic (and fun) aspects of being human? And if you like it enough (hell who doesn't ?!), don't you want to get good at it?

Regardless of what anyone says, nobody is great at it the first time. For some, it's like watching Elaine Benes from Seinfeld dance. "A full body dry heave."  For others, it's like Jim in American Pie, where you just flat out "didn't know what the hell you were doing."

Being that this is an erotic blog, and I have no qualms about making fun of myself, I thought I'd share my first time. I was only 19 years old. I lost it on election night 2000, same night that Bush won (how's THAT for a double entendre?!).  Anyway, she was 22, beautiful, and shall we say, a tad more experienced.

My heart was practically beating out of my chest. Not nervous of the moment, but nervous that I would be like Jim. Whether it be finishing too early, or just being terrible and having her snicker at me. As guys, we take that real personal.

Lucky for me, she sensed my nervousness and took the lead. It was everything I thought it would be. She taught me not to be nervous, to go with the flow. Sex is like a dance, and you're only as good as your partner.

She taught me how. But lucky for me, it's always gets even better than the first.

~Boo Coolidge

Tongued - 112213 - Miz B

Waiting

Certain kinds of intimacy emerge on a phone call that might never occur if you were sitting right next to the other person. ~Errol Morris

Patience and waiting are one of my rare gifts.  I can wait for the phone call, the letter, the email, the smoke signals.  With that said though, I sometimes feel the anxious nerves firing as I want for the phone to ring and it takes all my strength to wait.  I am sure all of you know that feeling of the self discipline needed for those special calls.  Ring dammit!

Krysta Kaos - 111913 - SideB

Hot & Heavy Heartbreak

I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ.

~ Anaïs Nin

A friend's recent heartbreak has brought back a flood of alllllllmost dormant memories.  The luxury of time and distance often lends some clarity to what went wrong in any romance ... but I am always left to puzzle over the unique relationship between incredible sex and doomed love!  This is one of those "which came first, the chicken or the egg" type things to ponder ... I highly recommend falling down this particular rabbit hole only on nights when you have a good stock of your alcoholic potion of preference and no alarm set for the next morning!

Before we try to make sense of the hows and whys here, let's be sure we are all on the same page.   Yes, I concede that there is fabulous sex to be had in stable, contented relationships.   Naturally, there are times when the toxicity of a relationship poisons all the carnal delight right out of it.   And there are plenty of milquetoast emotions and physical interactions strung between the extremes.   But if we are honest with ourselves, if we objectively analyze our experiences, most of us will admit that the "oh my Gaaaawwwwdddd that was sooooo good" lover that our mind slips back to in moments of boredom or personal pleasure is, coincidentally(!?), numbered among our greatest heartaches.  Anyone else willing to confess that your best of all time happened to also be an emotional train wreck that haunts you to this day?  Show of hands? 

Breaking My Heart - 111213 - Miz B

I have several theories for why this is so ... and I suspect that you all might be able to add a few to the list.   All of these are predicated on defining what makes for mind-blowing, soul-shaking, stay on your mind sex.   In my opinion there are 3 basic factors in play here.  First, intensity.   Sex that is half-assed is rarely phenomenal.   A partner who brings intensity can sweep you to new heights by sheer force of nature.   Second, skill.   Let's be honest - much as we'd all like to think that we are a natural, truly great sex is a learned talent.  And finally, emotion.   Wait, what'd she say?   You already know that I don't believe every sexual experience has to be a deep, meaningful, soulmate, cosmic, religious experience.   There's lots of great fun and good sex to be had without all that.   But to be absolutely genuine with you, I know that for me it matters.  Sex that has only the first two elements fades to insignificance next to sex that has them PLUS emotional connection and significance. 

If great sex is defined by intensity, skill, & emotion, what's up with the intersection with heartbreak?   Simply put, hearts don't break over un-intense, fumbling, cold & insignificant relationships.   The same things that define great sex set the bar for how invested we become in our relationships.    The more we are swept off our feet, the more likely we are to crash down on our asses!   

Heartbreak - 111213 - Miz B

In addition, I think that making love is an art form.   It is dynamic and ever-evolving, expressive and creative.   The lover most in-tune with this flow, most sensitive to this energy, is by nature an artist.   Artistic temperaments are not always the most stable, however.  The same things that make them so very gifted, often leave them prone to mental illness, scattered focus, and unpredictability.   These in no way preclude them from finding a compatible partner and being happy, but they do mean incompatible partners are in for a VERY rocky road!  

Like a moth to a blaze he was hesitant, seeming to crave my warmth but not its inevitable burn. He explored me from a distance with his unspoken desire, with the fear that touching me would set him to flame.

~Shawn Kirsten Maravel in "Volition"

Great passions often seem to me temporary by nature.   There is a level of intensity and communion that is unsustainable.   By nature, a raging fire will consume itself ... there is only so much fuel and the greater the inferno, the faster it will be exhausted.  The longing for the heat of that blaze is not the same thing as wishing to be in the roaring, all-consuming flames.   Few memories will compare to such a conflagration ... and they echo in us forever, even after all we are left with is ashes and soot.

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.   ~Jack London

  

Smoke gets in your eyes

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer. - Clement Freud

What is it about watching people smoke that is so damn sexy?  Is it the sensual breathing, the smoke entering and then exiting their core?  This sexiness of smoking is not just of women.  One of the biggest draws for the great show Mad Men is the all the smoking, both the men and the women.

Fae Decay - 110613 - SideB

An old blog friend once told me this about smoking, "Smoking actually provides another means of communication. Studies have been done on the meaning of blowing smoke up or down, the sexual promise when a woman asks a man to give her a light, and so on."

Fae Decay - 110613 - SideB

I think smoking is very intimate, even though I rarely smoke.  When I am with someone who is smoking*, I am sharing a moment of breath with them.  I breathe in their second hand smoke that has been deep in their being and now is filling me in the same way.  It is a a very physical experience of intimacy of breath.

Megan - 110613 - Sideb

The oxygen (even when polluted as it is with the smoke), is our most needed nutrient.  We can live for weeks with out food, a few days without water, and only a few precious minutes without oxygen.  Maybe this sharing of the smoky, dangerous air is an unspoken intimacy that since I am wanting to be by the smoker, we are sharing in this shared moment of living, and living kind of dangerously.

Are there anythings you find intimate that is not the same as the common definitions of intimacy?  Please share.

Valya - 110613 - SideB

*I am not here to debate the dangers of smoking.  Smoking kills, etc.  If I am with a smoker, it is my choice to breath their smoke.  I have avoided some smokers and being near them while they light up because I didn't feel the danger was worth sharing their air at that moment.