I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ.
~ Anaïs Nin
A friend's recent heartbreak has brought back a flood of alllllllmost dormant memories. The luxury of time and distance often lends some clarity to what went wrong in any romance ... but I am always left to puzzle over the unique relationship between incredible sex and doomed love! This is one of those "which came first, the chicken or the egg" type things to ponder ... I highly recommend falling down this particular rabbit hole only on nights when you have a good stock of your alcoholic potion of preference and no alarm set for the next morning!
Before we try to make sense of the hows and whys here, let's be sure we are all on the same page. Yes, I concede that there is fabulous sex to be had in stable, contented relationships. Naturally, there are times when the toxicity of a relationship poisons all the carnal delight right out of it. And there are plenty of milquetoast emotions and physical interactions strung between the extremes. But if we are honest with ourselves, if we objectively analyze our experiences, most of us will admit that the "oh my Gaaaawwwwdddd that was sooooo good" lover that our mind slips back to in moments of boredom or personal pleasure is, coincidentally(!?), numbered among our greatest heartaches. Anyone else willing to confess that your best of all time happened to also be an emotional train wreck that haunts you to this day? Show of hands?
|Breaking My Heart - 111213 - Miz B|
I have several theories for why this is so ... and I suspect that you all might be able to add a few to the list. All of these are predicated on defining what makes for mind-blowing, soul-shaking, stay on your mind sex. In my opinion there are 3 basic factors in play here. First, intensity. Sex that is half-assed is rarely phenomenal. A partner who brings intensity can sweep you to new heights by sheer force of nature. Second, skill. Let's be honest - much as we'd all like to think that we are a natural, truly great sex is a learned talent. And finally, emotion. Wait, what'd she say? You already know that I don't believe every sexual experience has to be a deep, meaningful, soulmate, cosmic, religious experience. There's lots of great fun and good sex to be had without all that. But to be absolutely genuine with you, I know that for me it matters. Sex that has only the first two elements fades to insignificance next to sex that has them PLUS emotional connection and significance.
If great sex is defined by intensity, skill, & emotion, what's up with the intersection with heartbreak? Simply put, hearts don't break over un-intense, fumbling, cold & insignificant relationships. The same things that define great sex set the bar for how invested we become in our relationships. The more we are swept off our feet, the more likely we are to crash down on our asses!
|Heartbreak - 111213 - Miz B|
In addition, I think that making love is an art form. It is dynamic and ever-evolving, expressive and creative. The lover most in-tune with this flow, most sensitive to this energy, is by nature an artist. Artistic temperaments are not always the most stable, however. The same things that make them so very gifted, often leave them prone to mental illness, scattered focus, and unpredictability. These in no way preclude them from finding a compatible partner and being happy, but they do mean incompatible partners are in for a VERY rocky road!
Like a moth to a blaze he was hesitant, seeming to crave my warmth but not its inevitable burn. He explored me from a distance with his unspoken desire, with the fear that touching me would set him to flame.
~Shawn Kirsten Maravel in "Volition"
Great passions often seem to me temporary by nature. There is a level of intensity and communion that is unsustainable. By nature, a raging fire will consume itself ... there is only so much fuel and the greater the inferno, the faster it will be exhausted. The longing for the heat of that blaze is not the same thing as wishing to be in the roaring, all-consuming flames. Few memories will compare to such a conflagration ... and they echo in us forever, even after all we are left with is ashes and soot.