Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Hot & Heavy Heartbreak

I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ.
Anaïs Nin

A friend's recent heartbreak has brought back a flood of alllllllmost dormant memories.  The luxury of time and distance often lends some clarity to what went wrong in any romance ... but I am always left to puzzle over the unique relationship between incredible sex and doomed love!  This is one of those "which came first, the chicken or the egg" type things to ponder ... I highly recommend falling down this particular rabbit hole only on nights when you have a good stock of your alcoholic potion of preference and no alarm set for the next morning!

Before we try to make sense of the hows and whys here, let's be sure we are all on the same page.   Yes, I concede that there is fabulous sex to be had in stable, contented relationships.   Naturally, there are times when the toxicity of a relationship poisons all the carnal delight right out of it.   And there are plenty of milquetoast emotions and physical interactions strung between the extremes.   But if we are honest with ourselves, if we objectively analyze our experiences, most of us will admit that the "oh my Gaaaawwwwdddd that was sooooo good" lover that our mind slips back to in moments of boredom or personal pleasure is, coincidentally(!?), numbered among our greatest heartaches.  Anyone else willing to confess that your best of all time happened to also be an emotional train wreck that haunts you to this day?  Show of hands? 

Breaking My Heart - 111213 - Miz B

I have several theories for why this is so ... and I suspect that you all might be able to add a few to the list.   All of these are predicated on defining what makes for mind-blowing, soul-shaking, stay on your mind sex.   In my opinion there are 3 basic factors in play here.  First, intensity.   Sex that is half-assed is rarely phenomenal.   A partner who brings intensity can sweep you to new heights by sheer force of nature.   Second, skill.   Let's be honest - much as we'd all like to think that we are a natural, truly great sex is a learned talent.  And finally, emotion.   Wait, what'd she say?   You already know that I don't believe every sexual experience has to be a deep, meaningful, soulmate, cosmic, religious experience.   There's lots of great fun and good sex to be had without all that.   But to be absolutely genuine with you, I know that for me it matters.  Sex that has only the first two elements fades to insignificance next to sex that has them PLUS emotional connection and significance. 

If great sex is defined by intensity, skill, & emotion, what's up with the intersection with heartbreak?   Simply put, hearts don't break over un-intense, fumbling, cold & insignificant relationships.   The same things that define great sex set the bar for how invested we become in our relationships.    The more we are swept off our feet, the more likely we are to crash down on our asses!   

Heartbreak - 111213 - Miz B

In addition, I think that making love is an art form.   It is dynamic and ever-evolving, expressive and creative.   The lover most in-tune with this flow, most sensitive to this energy, is by nature an artist.   Artistic temperaments are not always the most stable, however.  The same things that make them so very gifted, often leave them prone to mental illness, scattered focus, and unpredictability.   These in no way preclude them from finding a compatible partner and being happy, but they do mean incompatible partners are in for a VERY rocky road!  

Like a moth to a blaze he was hesitant, seeming to crave my warmth but not its inevitable burn. He explored me from a distance with his unspoken desire, with the fear that touching me would set him to flame.
~Shawn Kirsten Maravel in "Volition"

Great passions often seem to me temporary by nature.   There is a level of intensity and communion that is unsustainable.   By nature, a raging fire will consume itself ... there is only so much fuel and the greater the inferno, the faster it will be exhausted.  The longing for the heat of that blaze is not the same thing as wishing to be in the roaring, all-consuming flames.   Few memories will compare to such a conflagration ... and they echo in us forever, even after all we are left with is ashes and soot.

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.   ~Jack London



  1. "So take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer, it's easy to trace..the tracks of my tears."---Smokey Robinson.

    It's true. The best sex comes from the perfect marriage of hot and crazy. Hot because it's intense, passionate, soulful. And crazy because deep down, you know it can't possibly last. That's the hook. That it can't last. Because the love is doomed. It's like Achilles said, The Angels envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now."

    Yes the fire will be consumed. It's science. Yes, the crazy love will burn itself out. It's nature. But when it has to end…and even when you know it has to end, when it finally does, you always get that inevitable twinge: Have i done the right thing?

    Yes. Until someone has a match.

  2. I agree with your statement that making love is an art form. I would expand on that by saying it is also a performance art with two creators, kind of like ballet and other dances. One performer would be less than half of the total magic. It takes the magic and art of both to make something much more powerful than the simple sum of their combination. Fred Astaire was a great dancer, as was Ginger Rogers, but combined they became a combined new artist.

    In my times at the dance, both metaphorically and actually dancing, there were partners I was with that when combined we melted the walls, the bed, and the dance floor. There were others though that lacked this magic - we ended up trampling on each others' toes. I can't blame them for the missteps because they may have been perfect with someone else and I was just clumsy with them. No one is the perfect dance and or love partner for everyone.

    As for the heartbreak and reflecting back on it, I am slowly learning to take to heart the first few lines of the poem, "Men at Forty" by Donald Justice.

    Men at forty
    Learn to close softly
    The doors to rooms they will not be
    Coming back to.

    It is better for me not to dwell, reflect, or ruminate on those heart breaks, no matter how perfect the "dance" was. There isn't enough wine for that and other than opening old scars, nothing new or good will come from it.


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